SOLVING THE RELATIONSHIP PUZZLE

“The Far-Reaching Effects of Flirtation”

By Dr. Tom Merrill and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill MSW
Cox News Service

Dear Tom and Bobbie,

My husband thinks I'm a flirt and doesn't trust me to go out with men from the office for business lunches. I have always enjoyed "harmless" flirtations, but he hasn't felt they were as meaningless as I have assumed them to be. More recently he has started flirting to make his point, and I must confess I don't like it. Now I'm beginning to wonder if flirting is really as okay as most people seem to think or if we're both being overly sensitive and jealous.

Bobbie says:  Statistics tell us that in 80 percent of marriages one or both partners have engaged in an affair. This number suggests that somewhere between 40-50 percent or more of those in partnerships are involved in extra-marital activity. A flirtation in one form or another probably preceded most of these encounters. I believe that our cultural tolerance of these flirtations contributes more than we have realized to the subsequent marital dalliances as reported in the statistics. 

Ironically, prior to becoming a co-author of the concept that we can “settle for more” in our relationships if we make a point of highly honoring and tending to our partners and partnerships, I too was lulled into the notion that flirtations are simply a normal and "harmless" part of male-female interactions. And so, rather than be taken aback by the prevalence of them - which now seems a more appropriate reaction - I was once part of the permissiveness about these activities that are so hurtful to our partners and destructive to our relationships.

But now, I no longer agree with my earlier viewpoint regarding the "harmlessness" of flirtations, and here’s why. Once we pause to look at their true impact on relationships, it becomes instantly clear just how incompatible they are with the goal of honoring our partners and actively creating good partnerships. And because honoring our partners is the basis for having truly wonderful partnerships, flirting is clearly incompatible with that goal.

I would now suggest that anyone who is flirting should stop in their tracks and ask themselves why they have lost sight of the importance of valuing and honoring their partner. And if your partner is flirting, I would suggest you take an honest inventory of the purpose of remaining in a relationship in which you are so thoroughly dishonored.   

When we stop to think about it, flirtations are not by their very nature "harmless," since they include stealing our interest, attention and other positive energies away from our partner to give these gifts of our hearts to someone else. Not only is this a hurtful betrayal to our partner, it dilutes the intensity of our own feelings for our partners, including our sexual feelings. While doing this, we cannot possibly have a successful relationship with our partner, much less an outrageous one. We have already taken ourselves out of our partnership in order to engage in the flirtation. And in the process, we have taken ourselves out of our family unit as well.

Culturally, we have been kidding ourselves that this can be done, when in fact being in a relationship and being in a flirtation are incompatible. And doing it briefly is not any more "harmless" than lying for brief periods of time. 

This brings us to the question of just when is an interaction with someone from the opposite sex a flirtation? I think we all know in our hearts when we are offering a person that extra charge of animated male-female energy, as we put our most charming foot forward that we no longer give so steadily to our partner. Although much of this can be done energetically and invisibly, including the exchange of sexual energy, some of the bleed-through outer manifestations include frequent glances, extended eye contact, touching, and perhaps even caressing the other person in some way, while keeping the verbal communication going exclusively between us.

So, back to the question, is this "harmless?" Once we put this topic o the table and begin asking, it's clear that it's not. As promoters of more loving partnerships and loving living rooms, we are going to begin asking people to reconsider their views on this commonly accepted activity and the impact it has on their partners and partnerships. So, remember as you consider where you stand on this important partnership and family issue, that you can “settle for more.”

Tom says: This is a variation on our column last week in which we addressed the flirtee. Your question however deals with the flirter. I agree completely with Bobbie's take on this, so no need to cover the same ground. However, I think it's important to consider who is being affected by the "harmless" flirtations when trying to determine if, in fact, flirting is truly harmless. The effect that your flirting has on you and your partner is your business.  And if you were the only two who were touched by the behavior and you want to continue, have at it! But you are not. You are also making a significant impact on the flirtee and his or her relationship.

There are some wonderful studies that demonstrate the effect our behavior has on the emotional well being and behaviors of those who see or are touched by it...and the effect they then have on those who see or are touched by them...and so on. It is like a pebble thrown into a calm lake. The ripples move across the glassy surface and don't stop until they reach the shore in all directions.

Think about it. You flirt with someone who is in a relationship. How does that affect that person's partner? What happens to that relationship? And what effect does that relationship then have on those around it...children, colleagues, friends?  And what about those who witness your behavior? How do they feel? What are they thinking? Do they now have to align themselves with one party or another or can they play the "it's armless" cop-out game? How does it affect their behavior with others in their lives?

Flirting is not harmless. It is incredibly damaging, impacting the lives of others in ways you cannot imagine. We can because we deal with the results in our therapy practice. When you are the flirter, you are throwing a handful of pebbles into the relationship lake. And you can never take the ripples back.

So, it's your choice. Settle for more or settle for less

Tom Merrill, Ph.D., ABPP, and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill MSW, are married and veterans of the relationship puzzle. Tom, a clinical psychologist, and Bobbie, a therapist and parenting specialist, bring their personal and clinical experiences to this column. They have co-authored Settle for More: Finding and Keeping the Relationship You Want. They welcome reader responses and questions: Merrill@lava.net.